nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
