i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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