hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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