Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I just had a 2 1/2 hr conversation about the pros and cons of taping your ballsack to your taint, which then led into the unveilling of lady gaga being a hermaphrodite.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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