that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
The beer-amid has reached five feet. Caitlyn has a taser. GTG
Go big or go home. Or get a live in house boy you met 7 years ago and feel like you have unfullfilled potential. You know, the usual
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
So are we just not going to talk about the time I came home to you jerking it in the kitchen?
It's hard not to feel like a terrible person with bruises on your tits.
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
