You don't understand, alcohol has become a thing of survival for me and without it I can't function as a normal human being
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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