Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
