You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...
I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I was stuffing my vagina with gummy bears last night having him eat them out of me. Team Haribo for the win!
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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