After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I wouldn't blow him for all the queso in the world.
I'd rather blow that homeless guy who asked me to breast feed him.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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