Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
Just had to pull out another loan to pay for that public drunkenness citation. I am so ready to graduate.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
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