Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
Randomize
