Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
Vomit your little heart out. You've got a long day tomorrow
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize