I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
So the guy who is making our IDs is in jail now for attempted murder, with no bail...
So no fakes?
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
