i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
"Whiskey Cheerios" was a terribly great idea.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
Randomize
