I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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