The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
