True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize