I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Randomize
