my phone needs a breathalizer
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
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