Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
