Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
