I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
