Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
When we were fucking he called me by his moms name then after we were done told me to call him. He's not receiving a call... What if his mom picks up?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
