nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
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