well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
Hate sex is good. Drunk sex is better. Combine those two however and you get the best experience of your LIFE.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Randomize
