i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
The plan is that you eat an edible first, then pressure your dad to do one. You know you are down.
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Randomize
