i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
