i would punch a child for taco bell
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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