just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
