Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
