my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
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