did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
At the Phils game. My gay buddy just wanted up to a bunch of Mets fans and said "I'm gay, and even I think Mets fans are a bunch of fags." I love this fuckin town.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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