I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
For a guy who came before his dick was out of his pants, he gave surprisingly good head.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
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