Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
you tried to drunkinly do the backflip kick off of karate kid and broke the big screen
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
Randomize
