There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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