So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
How high?! We watched paid programming for 45 minutes before we realized it wasn't just a long commercial. So pretty high. The Bionic fish finder looks promising, though.
Lets get a boat first.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize
