What would a frattoo be? Maybe like the Chinese symbol for Keystone Light.
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
Its a sad when the highlight of your day is flicking a booger and actually getting it to stick to your computer monitor.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
his electricity got shut off. i felt like a pilgrim searching for his dick.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
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