my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
