So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
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