He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
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