totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I was hitting on her while she was puking ... yeah i was pretty drunk
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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