I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
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