I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
It stopped being casual for me when I waxed my vagina for you
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
