I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
I miss old school porno. There just isn't any love in porn these days.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
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