I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I know... It's stupid... It's like, I have sex with his brother and bestfriend ONE time....
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Randomize
