My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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