i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I think I actually have rug burn on my eye.
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
MY GUT IS TELLING ME YES AND SO IS MY VAGINA
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
