tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
