Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
How external is "for external use only"?
there isn't one for "I'll give you an I'm sorry blowjob" but that's also an option you have. in the meantime here is an emoticon of a caterpillar
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
Randomize
