I decided to name her "day after thanksgiving" because I am sure I just got someone elses leftovers.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
