I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?
All of them
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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