I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
