so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
Yeah... I still gave her a hug because I felt really bad though. I mentioned that my boyfriends grandma just died too, just to reinforce that I'm straight afterwards.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
