guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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