Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
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