If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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