The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
We have started to decorate penises.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
