there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
