Id settle for living inside the pirates of the carribean ride.
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
There are fucking limits. Jerking another guy off in the bar toes the line.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
Pretty sure when I woke up the next morning we were still fucking. It just didn't stop.
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
