So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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